Losing faith & gaining a belief

Given my past, my up-bringing and the way I have lived so far, I wouldn’t say that I have indulged in any kind of faith or harbored an enduring fidelity towards God or for that matter even a person or a thing. I believe in God through my mother, or rather more honestly and as I have come to see, her need to believe in Him.

So there was always this unspoken understanding with God that even though I don’t understand him and completely believe in him I will come to him if I need him. I will never blame him for not answering my prayers, as long I get to make them. It was as if the process was more important than the end result. Because I knew that if there exists a God, I would have to truly believe in him and that there was no way I could fake it. So the only way was to be honest about my doubts and so be sure as to what I expect from him. So he became the rock I could write on and the one which holds me steady.

Now I have learned that faith comes with learning and partly understanding what you can’t learn. But then if you hold steady, you might learn a little more of that too and thus proceed further on the journey towards your own understanding of faith. However, learning solely cannot and will not complete the understanding of Faith.

Because the very nature of Faith is incomplete, it needs that vacuum, where your beliefs are questioned and your doubts are put to test. It’s the union of your ‘understanding of reason’ and ‘the fealty of your will to overcome what you cannot understand’. So if you don’t acknowledge the importance of reason, your faith is one legged and if you believe that only reason alone will bring you to Faith, your Faith is colour-blind.

But to be honest, I am not looking for Faith, not as yet or anytime soon. I just need a belief that brings me one step closer to my Faith and still keeps me one step away. That way I get to question everything and still believe in miracles.